careful: it stains

Another perk of working in magazine-land, is that there are always interesting books around, many of which are still in the editing phase. One such book is called, Field Guide to Stains, How to Identify and Remove Virtually Every Stain Known to Man, by Friedman, Wagner, and Armstrong. It is a 280 page how-to book on removing everything from red-wine to sweat, to hummus, to Worcestershire sauce. As it says on the jacket, a must-have for everyone about to venture out into the wild, to the kitchen, or to a night out on the town! The little bit I have read is quite amusing, with interesting tips, but there is one specific entry that really jumped out at me...

Semen (I will not subject you to the photo):

General Decription:The viscid whitish fluid produced in the male reproductive organs, containing spermatozoa. On average, a man ejaculates fourteen gallons of semen in his lifetime, and reproduces only an average of 1.2 children, in the United States. This amounts to quite a bit of semen that does not reach its destination, which in turn leads to quite a few stained sheets.

Season: Semen knows no season-the human male is always ready to reproduce. Risk of staining increases, however, around the fourteen of February each year, as well as during the time "spring fever," which is epidemic, strikes.

Areas of occurrence: Sheets, pants, underwear, and towels are common places to find this stain but it is possible for semen to wind up on any piece of clothing after being swept up in the moment. Semen has been discovere as far from the mark as the floor, a t-shirt, pajama top, dress, the pillowcase, even a curtain, following extreme carelessness.

Time of occurrence: This stain may occur at any time, but early morning and late night are standard. Stains are usually found in the morning, either because they've just been created, or because daylight exposes evidence from last night's activities.

REMOVAL:
1. Hold fabric stain-side down under cold running water to force water through fabric.
2. Soak and agitate the fabric in cold water until loosened.
3. If the stain remains, rub a liquid detergent into the stain and let sit for several minutes.
4. Launder according to garment label.

Now go ahead and enjoy some good clean fun.