Please leave a message

Why is it so hard to make an outgoing answering machine message? I mean, seriously, how hard is it to say, Hi this is danielle, please leave a message...?

Evidently, if you are anything like me, it is brain freakin' surgery. I don't think I've ever done it in less than five tries. Sometimes ten or fifteen.

Today's episode went something like this (abridged version): Hi this is Danielle, please leave a... wait, where's the stop button on this thing? Beeeep. Shit. Take two. Hi this is Danielle... Beeeep. Did I say my name weird? Let me listen to that back. Hi this is Danielle...Hi this is Danielle...Hi this is Danielle... Yes, I said my name weird. Do I actually say my name like that? Dañielle. Da-NI-elle. DAN-ielle. Dani-ELLE. How do I say my name again? Uggh, I just need to spit it out. HithisisDaniellepleaseleaveamessage...Beeeep. Woah, slow down Danielle. Wait, did I just talk to myself in third person? I need some serious therapy. HI.this.IS.Dan.ielle.PLEASE.leave.A.mess.age... Beeeep. No, no, no. What am I, a robot? NEXT. One more. Too depressing sounding. NEXT. Too quiet for Grandma. Really, one more this time. NEXT. Too peppy. What's my motivation? Last one, I swear. NEXT. Rrrrgh, what is that strange rustling noise? Screw it! I'm done. Rustling noise it is. Perfect.

So if you call and you hear something like, shcihr-HI-THIS-shctfyhsh-IS DAN-schs-IELLE scthfchhrsh-MESSAGE...Beeeep... You probably have the right number, and if you don't like it, then don't leave a message, 'cause chances are I won't get back to you anyway.